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wonton soup is probably gross. |
02.01.2004 |
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chinese food is my least favorite asian genre. japanese food? awesome. thai? lots of coconut, but still excellent. vietnamese? very fine. south korean? invite the whole family along. north korean? just the nuclear, please. mongolian? never had it. but they must have food... and since it isn’t chinese... my expectations are high. because, let’s face it, chinese food is the shortest straw. the black sheep. the bastard. the appendix. the nfl placekicker.
true to my nature... i was inclined to list the factors that may have contributed to the suckiness of chinese food... but, as i take a step back (then, two steps to the right... one step back again to avoid an ill-placed stool with thumbtacks glued sharp-ends-up... and then another four steps to the right) i conclude that there is only one reason why chinese food is the potato in the muffler that is my esophagus...
they stopped inventing new variations of chinese food in 1963. which, is apparent in the entree “photography” that serves as a staple of the “take-out” area of all chinese food restaurants from delaware to oregon. photographed with the well out-dated—and possibly collectable—techni-color film, these plated pictorials of chinese dishes depict what their meals looked like back when crayola’s big box only contained eight colors. and, were they ever bright!
1963. that was a long time ago. the beatles had just arrived. 1962 had just left. the hippies hadn’t been invented. and people seemed more concerned with who had shot jfk than who would shoot j.r. ewing seventeen years later. i’ll need to check with my fact-checkin’ cuz, but i’m not even sure people had realized that killing farmed animals for food was murder. or at least manslaughter II.
i’m not going to get all abbie hoffman on y’all, but let’s face it. farm animals are one thing... domestic animals are another. which brings me back to chinese food. as a vegetarian, at chinese restaurants i have the following options: rice, noodles, veggies on rice, veggies on noodles, and... well... veggies on a plate. just like that picture on the wall, taken in 1963, where the broccoli is kryptonite green.
all the creativity, which i’m sure is crackling like a sparkler as i speak at the nearest chinese hole-in-the-wall, is put into the carnivorous entrees. everyone seems to have a particular chinese favorite, including the decorated general tso. but in the end, it’s all the same stuff... at every chinese restaurant. and it has been that way since the end of john f. kennedy’s presidency.
one thing yet to be theorized in the single bullet theory is msg. whether chinese restaurants use—or have ever used—something known as msg can be saved for scintillating college late-night, dorm-room debates... but as far as i’m concerned: i don’t know what the hell msg is. and just the fact that every chinese restaurant vehemently denies using it... on the same menus that were drawn up in the sixties...
well, let’s just say that i want that new tofu, broccoli, and rice dish. yes, tofu. with msg. it can’t possibly hurt. and a not-stale fortune cookie. with a fortune that doesn’t tell me i’m “a good person,” give me a list of my seventeen luckiest numbers, or prophesize the collapse of the ussr.
i want the “new” chinese eclectic that i thought i was being promised when the regurgitated hong-kong became re-sissified. |
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| 5:15 am |
sui generis said this. |
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| more frequent updates? |
yes, yes, children. we are back! be sure to sign up at the mailing list below to receive notices on phrensick updates.
we will be updating our list shortly to those of you IDIOTS that checked up on the site while we were on an eight-month hiatus! |
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| POLL |
last night, phrensick polled the current 40-man roster of the MILWAUKEE BREWERS to find out their favorite and least favorite posts.
2003 Milwaukee Brewers favorite post:
XANDER'S "Owimoweh, Owimoweh."
2003 Milwaukee Brewers least favorite post:
SUI GENERIS'S "Popcorn Carts."
(poll was taken of the seven players that returned their questionnaires) |
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| response to POLL |
all i have to say to the milwaukee brewers: sarcasm and base hits... who would've guessed the brew crew couldn't get either?
~sui generis |
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