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| autobahn cleavage. | 12.09.2003 | |
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 there was the time that i put instant mashed potatoes in her spa. the mixture somehow holed itself up in the recesses of the jets, and they were shoveling out pound after pound of the mashed carbohydrates for hours. geez... that stuff’s efficiency is awesome. it wasn't really a prank. in fact, i'd call it an accident. but my aunt wouldn't give me that-- even though she readily admitted to accidentally rubber cementing a mr. bubble label on the mass-producing dry food box. and i just liked suds. then there was the time that i rubber cemented by aunts boobs together. or maybe more specifically- sealed up that hideous cleavage. behind locked doors, i called it 'autobahn' (the german expressway... not that crazy painter who wrote about birds) because of how ridiculously long it was. once again, i wasn't a malicious kid. i saw on tv how skin-so-soft helped relieve cantankerous volcano pimples, so when my aunt was sleeping on a her hammock of thorns (her religious rest on the seventh day of every week) i rubbed a little in. unfortunately, i was unaware that my aunt secretly put a skin-so-soft label on the rubber cement. she called me a 'heathen' and bent my fingers all the way back to my palm. but i'm double jointed so it really didn't matter. then there was the time that i locked myself in the bathroom. i had to go somewhere to vent about my aunt's autobahn- so i went into the bathroom and securely locked the door. however, ever since my aunt reversed the locks on all of her doors- maneuvering your way around her house included an added challenge. to me it was like a maze brain teaser. her bathroom was nice, lots of pictures by that crazy painter who wrote about birds. but i wanted out. i had planned on just climbing out the window, but like any normal kid-- i was captivated by the scratch and sniff stickers that she had stuck all around the woodwork of her bathroom window. one of the scents, chloroform, had a special effect on me... and before i knew it, i was on my back with my arms and legs sticking straight up in the air like a dead cat. i wasn't dead or a cat, though. my aunt called an ambulance. the EMTs actually came in a black cutlass supreme... not an ambulance. i thought that was strange. anyway, they were able to revive me. my aunt paddled me for my ‘reckless behavior’. and then there was the time my aunt was outside tanning. i always liked it when she tanned because she smelled like turkey baste. before she would go outside to tan, she would have me paint her with turkey baste using my paint-by-numbers paintbrush. the brush was ruined. i would paint her, even straight down the autobahn. my aunt left me in the house, because she said ultraviolet rays 'would rape my skin of its youthful tenderness' and that i should just start making dinner. listen, i was nine. if you said that to me, i was just going to go inside and eat candy. so that's what i did. i was so full i couldn’t eat anything the rest of the night. however, after my aunt howled at me, i did start dinner. i made marinated chicken, canned corn, cut fresh peaches, salad, and instant mashed potatoes. but nine year-olds don’t know how long to cook chicken. so, my aunt was throwing up that night, and accidentally locked herself in the bathroom. i unlocked the door from the outside of the bathroom. man, it smelled like a dead cat in there. my aunt asked for the pepto bismol. i handed her the pink bottle, but then she started to get sicker. apparently, she had secretly switched the labels of her pepto bismol and my pink paint-by-numbers paint. i wasn’t too upset since my paintbrush was already ruined, but she was very mad at me. she cussed a lot and said that i could never come over again. she looked so sick. i tried to call the hospital, but when i asked for the guys in the black cutlass supreme... they thought it was just a prank. i loved my aunt. and the more she cussed me out... the more i wanted to be a good kid. |
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| 12:35 am | xander said this. | |
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