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| save the mallards. | 12.02.2003 | |
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 the mallard, or the anas platyrhynchos (if you’re wearing a white lab coat), has long been revered as the favorite waterfowl of: four thirds of the population as a whole, two different men named colin o’reilly, and one sui generis. however, today, a great blight is facing communities of mallards across north america. this cancer to the mallard species is... suicide. important facts you need to know about mallard suicide rates: * suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death among mallards in the north america. * suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among teenage mallards in north america. * suicide is the fastest growing killer of mallards in north america. * most mallard suicides occur in small ponds or streams, and most between 3pm to midnight. * 95% of mallard suicides are preventable. * in an average flock of thirty mallards, four will attempt suicide. * two out of three teenage mallards think about suicide before molting. * sixteen teenage mallards commit suicide every day. * nearly 6,000 teenage mallards commit suicide every year. * over half of teenage mallard suicide victims had substance abuse problems. * four times as many male mallards (drakes) commit suicide than females (hens). * most drakes use violent means, such as drowning, getting themselves run over by cars, hanging, slowly walking into a sharp tree branch, etc. most hens use less violent means, such as not eating, sucking on car mufflers, lethal injection, etc. * biological relatives of suicidal fowl are at higher risk of suicide themselves. * almost all suicide victims have at least one mental or substance abuse disorder, and over half have more than one disorder. * there are 30 to 50 times as many attempted suicides as completed suicides. these ducks are once again reminded that they are, indeed, failures. * if they don't get help, past attempters are at risk for trying again, and possibly completing it. * the #1 cause of teenage mallard suicide is untreated depression. note:since the average lifespan of a mallard is a puny three years, “teenage” (above) refers to the turbulent period in a mallard’s life between the ages of six months, two weeks and nine months, three weeks. [that conversion was brought to you by sui generis’s sixth grade math education, chapter nine : setting up proportional tables] factors that might be contributing to this horrifying trend: 10 in 10 mallards are unemployed. 9 in 10 mallards get “kinda bored” being a duck. want thrills, chills, or else pills. 8 in 10 mallards are entirely vegetarian. and, therefore, are constantly fighting off anemia. 7 in 10 mallards are “sick of all the fucking migrating” 6 in 10 mallards have observed people who have been exposed to violent media. 5 in 10 mallards are female, and thus ugly. these brown and gray mallards are constantly subjected to males strutting their radiant greens, yellows, and blues. 4 in 10 mallards suffer from severe depression. they may “see the world in only black and white.” they may feel that there are so many mallards in north america that their measly lives won’t be missed by the world. and, if they knew how to write: they may even want to leave one of those cynical notes to bid the world farewell. 3 in 10 mallards have witnessed a traumatic experience involving the death of a loved one. 2 in 10 mallards are at odds with the polygamistic nature of their reproduction habits. 1 in 10 mallards are genetically homosexual. due to the fact that mallards are the most abundant nesting waterfowl in north america, many humans are indifferent towards these alarming suicide rates. in addition, many north americans may feel that since the predators of mallards are doing such a half-assed job killing them off, something is needed to pare down the sheer volume of these ducks. however, these warm-blooded ducks are very tolerant of humans (many can be handfed); and deserve our concern and care with the matter. and anyways, who can honestly say—with a straight face—that they want to see a duck take its own life. save the ducks. |
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| 10:25 pm | sui generis said this. | |
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