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| the loco motives of unruly locomotives. | 11.26.2003 | |
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 is there anything more lame than a runaway train? really, how big of a threat to our daily life is a runaway train? when was the last time you saw the headline “runaway train kills 85, injures 215, devastates city, paralyzes local transit, ravages small woodland ecosystem at derailment site, and maims poor, pregnant seal.” or, for that matter, “train loses control, people care.” a look at trains. contrary to the beliefs of powerful pro-train lobbyists, it appears that trains are being fazed out of existence. a good clue that this might be happening is... when you actually see a train, eight times out of nine it’s carrying a dead train on its back—towing old, empty boxcars, rusting cabooses, and graying, toothless, coal-covered conductors hobbled onto their last lung. the decline could be attributed to many things... lack of effective advertising. or any advertising. or something to advertise... or lack of technological advancements in the last eighty or ninety years. obviously, trains would be more viable options as industrial shippers and passenger transports if they could abandon the use of those restrictive rails, have more legroom, go faster, and fly. how do you lose control of a train? not having studied the comprehensive, yet thoroughly engaging volumes on the engineering of locomotives, i have to assume that there is a complex array of potential problems that could turn any well-behaved train into one of the runaway variety. but... like what? did someone just forget to check the brake fluid? and the conductor just pulls fruitlessly at the levers, sighs, and says, “well, i can’t do anything now. looks like this train is a runaway.” where are they going to go? ok. you have a train. and, for all intents and purposes, let’s say it’s a runaway train. even if the train is somehow barreling completely out of control... it’s not like it’s path is unpredictable. it has to follow the rails. in this way, it is much less ‘out of control’ than, say, a high speed chase, a pirouetting plane, or even that wayward ski-boat that terrorized a sea world a couple years back. furthermore, railroads aren’t hilly expanses. so with the flat tracks, and with the clunky steel on steel, does the train somehow accelerate to speeds higher than 30 mph? even if it’s going 150 mph, isn’t a derailment the worst thing that can happen? just because it’s a a runaway train doesn’t mean it’ll quit triggering the sensors that block automobile intersections. and derailments... hasn’t amtrak made them fairly routine, anyway? do passenger trains still exist? because, being a passenger on one of those trains could be the one instance where a runaway train could be a horrific experience. even though i can’t fathom how it would ever be more convenient, economic, or time efficient to ride a train to your destination, i still think i’d rather be inside of a runaway train than a runaway (something else). finally, there is a good reason that the terrorists went to such extremes to hijack a plane. because, as i’ve argued in this article, hijacking a train and sending it careening out of control... really isn’t that big of a deal. if anything, i’d consider it like one of those rides at theme parks—that grandparents can take their grandchildren on for a quick thrill. “ooh, suzie, we’re on a train... and it’s [waving arms frantically] out of control!” then if the girl cries, "honey, if you dont like it... it looks like we can probably just jump off." all things considered, runaway trains are kind of a wuss problem. and, if by some unforeseen circumstance i ever board a train... i’d rather take my chances with a runaway train than having a chance encounter with those nosey, eerie-for-no-reason boxcar children. but, even if you concede the fact that runaway trains might be somewhat of an outdated fear, and that nowadays runaway trains are more of a threat for elaborate model train sets than in real life... that doesn’t explain their continued prominence in the daily metaphors of the sort of people that like hackneyed metaphors. i’ll send you out with a few i overheard during a few hours at a coffeeshop: “yesterday, while watching matlock, i happened to check my pulse. it was a runaway train!” “the gravy? yeah it was ok... but as soon as i poured it over my turkey and mashed potatoes it was a runaway train!” “craig! i just thought of something awesome. if i named my dog "train"... and then he ended up runnin’ away... he’d be considered a runaway train!” “bought a ticket for a runaway train, like a madman laughin' at the rain.” |
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| 3:38 am | sui generis said this. | |
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