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updating the phone book. |
11.20.2003 |
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i can't read the phone book for more than ten minutes without getting bored out of my mind. it's almost as if the pages are laced with rohypnol. now... i realize that entertainment isn't its sole purpose, but even better homes and gardens can keep me enraptured for a good half-turn of the big hand. [james joycian for "a half hour"]
i don't know who's in charge of the yellow pages... probably some high and mighty prick that has a bunch of poor orphan kids typing it all out for him. but, if someone died and made me the creative director of the yellow pages... rest assured, changes would be employed.
starting at the top: the cover needs to be redone. something family oriented, perhaps? i'm picturing a jimmy stewart-type father with opie on one knee, and with the "and i helped" girl from the shake and bake commercials on the other. they'll be reading the phone book like it's a bedtime story.
that classic, ‘rockwell’ look will hit platinum with nuclear families with uptight kids that wear sailor suits... but can we embrace a broader cross-section of american life? maybe... an attractive mother sitting on top of the liquor cabinet in the background. her hair's disheveled, her mascara's running, and her stocking’s torn. her legs are spread and she might not be wearing underwear. she's holding cigarette in one hand. in the other, she chokes the neck of a jack daniel’s bottle like it's an annoying blue heron that she really, really wants to strangle.
one of my main problems with the yellow pages is the monotonous content. interspersing periodic short stories might not be a bad idea. something for everyone. children’s stories at the beginning, then some young adult melodrama... or a choose your own adventure. after that, maybe a grisham short story about some guy that has a lawyer. then, an article on how to own and operate a small business. the last couple pages could include some classy adult erotica.
i understand how all the numbers need to be in the book, given that it’s a phone book... but maybe we can freshen it up with some prankish fun. for example, some of the phone numbers will accidentally not have enough digits, others will have random non-numeric symbols substituted for the real numbers. lastly, in order to obtain some phone numbers... well, let’s just say you’ll need to do some long division. with remainders! all this will confuse the hell out of a lot of people, but it will all be in good fun.
right before the new version gets sent to the presses, i’ll throw in a few pictures of old people squinting (everyone likes pictures like that) and change the color from “faded, six summer-old bathing suit yellow” to “vibrant, morning-urine yellow.”
the yellow pages are one of the defining products of our culture. thirty years from now, when someone pulls the big yellow book out of a time-capsule, let’s not let our friends in the future think that we were just a bunch of phone number geeks. let’s show them we did it the best we could while we were stuck in this place. so, i’m going to do it the way randall ‘pink’ floyd woulda done it. what do you think?
oh yeah, what’s the number for the yellow pages? |
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| 2:56 am |
sui generis said this. |
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| more frequent updates? |
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god, phrensick's always on the cusp of technology. |
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| POLL |
last night, phrensick polled the current 40-man roster of the MILWAUKEE BREWERS to find out their favorite and least favorite posts.
2003 Milwaukee Brewers favorite post:
XANDER'S "Owimoweh, Owimoweh."
2003 Milwaukee Brewers least favorite post:
SUI GENERIS'S "Popcorn Carts."
(poll was taken of the seven players that returned their questionnaires) |
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| response to POLL |
all i have to say to the milwaukee brewers: sarcasm and base hits... who would've guessed the brew crew couldn't get either?
~sui generis |
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