|
|
|
|
|
|
| for pick-up or delivery? | 11.18.2003 | |
|||
|
|||||
 all you want is a mass-produced pizza from one of those corporate chains. you know, the papa john’s and domino’s type recipes that are always the same... yet so damn good every time. during your order, you learn that you have two choices for obtaining this pizza: delivery or pick-up... and for some reason, neither of those options seem overly appealing. option one. delivery: the expected. free. default option... also known as the option where you don't have to do anything and can wait for your pizza without leaving the comfort of your armchair, television, and tighty-whiteys. but this option sends your pizza through a harrowing experience. after being made, your pizza has to get into an early nineties taurus with a burnt out drivers-ed-like sign on the roof. obviously not intended for advertising, this sign serves the same purpose as secretly videotaping your babysitter. it just alerts observers that this car is supposed to be delivering a pizza. not parked, while the delivery guy blazes a j and jacks off behind a k-mart. during the bumpy ride to your residence, your pizza rests on the same grimy seat where the delivery guy made out with one of those hackneyed, acned, sloppy trailer girls... not to mention having having to listen to “dirty deeds done dirt cheap” on repeated loop. on his third attempt, the delivery guy manages to pull his car into your drive way, and you come to the door in your underwear—as previously established. his chee-toed fingers exchange your bills for your pizza. the box has been molested into a non-geometrical shape, and sticky in just the places you happen to grab it. but it’s there. and you didn’t have to do anything short of leaving the change with the driver. so, clearly, this option isn’t all that bad. considering... option two. pick up: assuming that you’d have to do something, this isn’t really an option unless you live on a top-secret island that you don’t want anyone to know about. but: does papa john’s really want you to come pick up your pizza? the coupons with the best deals require you to come pick them up, but why they want you to come to their crappy little strip mall headquarters... i have no idea. it would be different if they used any sort of aesthetic in constructing their buildings... to make it worth it. like if each building was built to mimic one of the seven wonders of the world, had flying buttresses and spires, or at least had walls covered in that garlic sauce. and if you licked them, oompa loompas would come out! and it's not like they're welcoming on the inside, either. there's rarely any seating. so, you can't enjoy a pizza on the premises. hell, you're lucky if there's a bench labeled with a phantom "waiting area.” you know, in the event that it isn’t the twilight zone... and you’re pizza isn’t ready. if they really wanted you make your time waiting at their establishment memorable... couldn't they at least have something like one of those glass aquariums with all those plastic balls in it that kids like to play/suffocate in. or (fingers crossed) a small ropes course? with maybe a pirate ship at the top? and can the pirate ship have cannons, with smoke coming out? and an actual wax pirate? and can they make it so that you can climb onto the pirate ship and swab the deck? and on the walls of the ship... can they have melting clocks? that'd be so dali. bottom line: why do corporate pizza chains even feel the need to lease "locations"? at county fairs, those old women in tight jeans can make awesome pizza in small trailers. so, why doesn't domino’s buy up some old, useless bookmobiles, and make their entire business mobile. with free delivery. minus the awkward, dirty-haired teenager. |
|||||
|
|||||
| 5:32 am | sui generis said this. | |
|||
|
|
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||