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| the cloaked genius of mountain time. | 11.10.2003 | |
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 many of our loyal readers have expressed concerns as far as which time zone phrensick operates on. and, fortunately, i have good news for all those poor, worried, and potentially ulcer-prone souls. we are indeed not operating on either of the brutish coastal time zones. on the same watch, we are also not running on the poser-cool central time zone. "what?!" you ask like a deer caught with marlboro lights, "there's another time zone within the continental united states?" yes, my friends, enemies, and past sexual partners... there is another time zone. a time zone that i am extremely proud of. a time zone that-- though it may be soft-spoken-- has a wonderful voice. that is, it surely would, if time zones had any way of communicating verbally with our highly evolved species. a time zone, ladies and gentleman, that i would change to my home pacific time zone if i had enough understanding of websites to do so... or at least figure out how the hell it got to be mountain time zone in the first place. friends, romans, countrymen... behold- mountain time. believe it or not, there are several perks to this that we call the mountain time zone. 1. no one has ever heard of mountain time. so, now that you've read this entry, you now can be that pretentious friend that everyone hates that is always into underground bands, fine wines, and other-worldly fellatio techniques that would blow your mind. only this time... tell 'em about mountain time. 2. no one has ever heard of mountain time. just... think about it, man! a recent study at brown, conducted in manitoba, canada, suggests that only 1 in 100 canadians were responsive to a visual cue reading "mountain time." 3. in mountain time, there aren't any of those states that grow oranges. those states are always so ostentatious about things like that. putting it on license plates. putting it in all their brochures. putting the outline of their state on the labels of packages of oranges... that kind of thing. just asking for a sharp slap on the face. you grow fucking oranges. so what. 4. synchronization of watches to mountain time is almost as obsolete as potato famines and banshee barbies. first (and last) known tandem to synchronize to mountain time: lewis and clark. and, anyway, synchronization is so five minutes ago. 5. the mountain time zone is home to countless wonders of nature. a wise man once said, [paraphrased] "mother nature got trashed in a dive bar in lower wyoming... and vomited all of her glory onto the majestic earth of the mountain time zone." hmm. for example, those caverns. the famous ones. they're somewhere in the mountain time zone. as are several of those national parks that you're always hearing people talk about. the only possible grievance with the mountain time zone? 1. arizona is the south carolina of the mountain time zone. brazenly opting out of daylight savings time to observe a year-long daylight wasting time, arizona secedes for six months every year to join the adjacent pacific time zone. which, as you know, all the cool kids are doing... arizona is like that. if you've been there... you'd know. overall, the eastern and pacific time zones are the bad-asses. the eastern is equipped with heavyweights: new york city, boston, the district of columbia, southern florida, as well as northern and central florida, and savannah, georgia. the pacific time zone counters with: seattle, san fransisco, and that stretch of so-cal that runs the fifth largest economy in the world. the central time zone is like your best friend's hot sister... you bring her along for feisty ménages, but all things considered... she's basically a tag-along. mountain isn't any of that. if anything, it's like your best friends dorky little brother... whose existence (or non-existence) marks no bearing on your life at all. and you gotta root for the underdog. |
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| 3:46 am | sui generis said this. | |
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