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| fountains of... tooth. d'oh! | 06.10.2004 | |
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 a few months ago, i discovered “soda de anaranjado.” it is a particularly cheap brand of orange soda pop. anaranjado, the spanish word for orange, is a rather obtuse, hard-to-pronounce word. which, always struck me as odd. i mean, for something as simple as orange soda... you'd think having a brand name like "soda de anaranjado" would be a hard sell to the masses. but, i guess that's why it's so cheap. that eclectic-sounding name is probably foreign. maybe from france... the snobby french would use a pretentious name like “soda de anaranjado.” bastards. anyhow, drinking orange soda just before i go to bed seems to have a profound effect on my dreams. recently, i've had such dreams as: * being a pre-med undergraduate at brown, with an acute interest in continuing my graduation at columbia university. * being a graduate student at columbia, studying the fine arts of ancient dentistry. * being a dentist in fort worth on the five year anniversary of jfk's assassination in dallas. * being the kennedys' family dentist on the ten year anniversary of jfk's assassination. * being jfk's dentist ten years before his assassination. * being a dentist in ireland during the potato famine. that is ireland, the most likely potential country of ancestral descent of the kennedy family... of which jfk was a member, before he was assassinated in dallas in 1963. * and, oddly, this one where the kool-aid mascot forces me to swallow nickels. so, i wasn’t surprised the other day when i dreamed—through a complicated set of circumstances involving the pythagorean theorem, bow-tie pasta, and two cornucopias (one being filled with magnetic poetry, and the other with rotting fruit)—that i was, somehow, put in charge of a revitalization program within the tourist bureau for the city of st. augustine, florida. my assignment was to turn this sleepy, historical town into a "ridiculously awesome" spring break destination for college spring-breakers, and “older-looking" high school spring breakers. and damnit, that’s a daunting task. outside of this matrix, back in my bedroom, i was probably breaking into a cold sweat. of course, i'm not sure, though, because i was still in my dream. back in that dream, the humorless st. augustine tourism board of directors (SATBD) was gazing at me with anticipation. and, as they sucked on their bated breath-mints.... i outlined a plan for the development of NEW st. augustine: (1) i would research st. augustine. before this dream, i had only heard of the city once... some fun fact from history class about it being the oldest city in america... that is—i guess—where people didn't disappear and carve mysterious, oblique messages into roanoak trees. and... though i remembered the city being mentioned in history, i couldn’t remember what state it was in. looking out of the boardroom, and seeing the fountain of youth in the background... i deduced that this must be florida. (2) i would figure out why it was so hard for ponce de leon to find the fountain of youth. one can of “soda de anaranjado” and, poof, there it is. looks like ponce wasn’t much of an explorer... he probably found carmen sandiego at age ten and made a regrettable career choice. (3) i would figure out why there are so many old people in florida. wrinkly people would definitely deter spring-breakers. are they, too, looking for the fountain of youth?. ‘cause i mean, jesus christ, IT’S RIGHT THERE! am i the only one that can see—wait, there’s even a blinking arrow-shaped sign reading “fountain of youth.” (4) i would create a buzz for st. augustine... legalize meat-headed frat-boy debauchery... no shirts... cool bead necklaces, tattoo parlors that can design those lame chinese symbols... and barbwire... and flaming things. (5) hmm... sell tacos for 50 cents? just a thought... and it can’t hurt. (6) caverns... does st. augustine have them? can we make it happen if there aren’t caverns here? or is that an "old person" thing? and if it is... and we're already committed to having them... is there anyway that they can be altered for the spring breakers? nude girls? booze? dentyne sugar-free gum? (7) remove the “st.” from st. augustine. some people may erroneously confuse the “st.” with “saint.” and, “saint” sounds catholic. and there is nothing catholic about spring break. trust me. throughout this entire demonstration, i am handing out muffins (one at a time) to each board member. essentially, it was just meant to appease them while i bounced a few ideas off their heads. and, wouldn’t you know, it worked like the dickens! and my ill-fated presentation, entitled “a tale of two cities,” was actually being met with a roaring reception of open-mouthed, sweet-toothed smiles— wait. i’m a dentist, again? damn lucid dreams... |
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| 10:52 am | sui generis said this. | |
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